Friday, September 12, 2014

Paradise by the Monitor Light.

I want to talk about sex.  The kind you have when you are the parent of two (or more) young children.  The kind of sex that you have with your spouse, against all odds.  The kind that you must be willing to have, otherwise you will have none at all.  This is not great sex...this is perfunctory.  It is necessary.  Perfunctory is better than none.  None is bad.  None is how your spouse ends up like Michael Douglas in "Falling Down, " smashing the local convenience store to bits over an overpriced can of coke.

Let me set the mood for you.  The room is dim.  Lit only by the screen of the baby monitor glowing with the image of your sleeping toddler.  The bed is adorned with scattered articles of clothing.  A damp towel from this morning's shower.  The t-shirt you wore to bed last night.  A belt.  That might be kinky, but for the fact that you found the belt when its buckle impaled your tail bone.  Three pairs of jeans that you threw on the bed this morning, frustrated by the fact that 19 months later, they still do not fit.  The room smells faintly of a medical wintergreen scent.  It's from the Icy Hot you rub on your shoulders and hips nearly every night.  This is done to soothe the pain caused by the constant lifting and/or carrying of a 27lb. toddler and 36lb. 3 year old.  The room is filled with the sound of not one, but two sound machines.  The combination creates a pleasant sound similar to being at the ocean.  However, just above the rhythmic white noise is the ear worm of Laurie Berkner's voice repeatedly singing about the pig on her head.  You focus.  Let's get this show on the road.

You commence to getting busy.  After all, how can you resist with all of the romance surrounding you?  Things are good, dare I say this might be one of those unexpected quickies turned epic nights.  Wait, what was that?  Was that the CEO or the Managing Partner?  Your husband pretends he didn't hear anything.  You tune it out, back to the business of the business.  A roll.  Ooh things are getting interesting.  "Ruff, ruff, ruff.  Hi friends!"  It is Scout, the talking stuffed dog.  He was left on the bed when the CEO got into bed with us the night 3a.m.  Scout gets thrown across the room.  We are back but it is clear the stars aren't aligned this evening.  Let's just do what we both came here to do and go to sleep.  After all, we are tired.  So tired.

The deed is done.  You both lay there in the dark nodding off.  It's nice though.  Quiet and still.  A rare moment that brings you both back into focus.  "We need to do this more."  He's right.  You nod and yawn.  He yawns.  You are both nearly asleep when the voice of one of your children rings out, like a god damn air raid siren.  "mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMoooooOOOOOOMMMMMMmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee!"

You sigh while climbing out of bed.  Well, that was nice.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Enjoy this goes so fast.

I just got tagged in a blog post by a good friend.  I am going to throw myself into on coming traffic.  Remember yesterday's post in which I bitch and moan about not having time to write?  Have you seen my tweet/facebook update from this morning at 5:30am in which I indicate I have not slept well and was already up for the day with the God damned toddler?  Guess what I was doing while he was watching Laurie Berkner for the 100th time (as that is the ONLY thing he will watch) and intermittently torturing me?  I WAS WRITING!!!!!  Guess what I was writing about???  I was writing about how if one more person tells me to "enjoy this time, it goes so fast" I was going to punch them in the face...I started writing on this topic MONTHS ago and never least I don't think I did.  For all I know I posted one a year ago and simply don't remember.  I could go back and look, but that would take time and energy I don't have.  Frankly, I don't think that much about what I write, I write what is happening and what I am thinking about (no, really!?) in that given time.
This morning I started again.  I still didn't finish.  Then I got tagged in a post with this link.  I want to say to the author, Janelle Hanchett, thank you for finishing it, thank you for saying it, but most of the hell do you find the time!?

37 Reasons I'm Not Embracing the Moment

My sad, unfinished post...

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Strung Out Mommy

It's been a month since I last posted.  I know, you've all left me, the blog world is not a loyal place.  After all, you have needs!  You need to know that you are not alone in this crazy world of motherhood.  I apologize, but my inability to find time to write begs the question;  How the hell do other stay at home mom bloggers write posts several times a week or more?  Do they not sleep?  I already don't sleep.  If I slept any less I would quite literally be a zombie.

I'll get right to the point.  Shit be crazy up in my 'hizzy'.  The CEO has straight up lost his mind.  The fervor with which he approaches his business has gone from intense to borderline deranged.  It's almost hard to continue to have a sense of humor about it, I won't lie.  One minute he wants to run the show, the next he wants to be held like a baby.  He occasionally works well with The Managing Partner, however there are times that I think he is simply keeping his enemy closer.  I also find the amount of "accidents" that befall The Managing Partner to be suspect. I spend a good portion of my day watching the CEO like a hawk and breaking up physical's not a professional environment.  To make things more difficult, The Managing Partner appears to be considering a new career as a stunt man, or in professional parkour.  He's pretty good, he might actually be successful.

The job grows increasingly physical and time consuming.  Sometimes I get so busy I never get around to eating or drinking anything between the coffee in the morning and the wine at night.  If I started smoking my diet would resemble that of a supermodel.  Strangely my waistline does not reflect my new eating habits.  Frankly, I am disappointed that I haven't lost even a single pound.

What does a strung out stay at home mommy blog-ess do when her kids are sucking the life out her?  How does she find time to eat, let alone write nearly every day?  I simply can not figure it out.  I have  images of these women in my head that range from children running around neglected while their mothers type furiously, to mothers sitting in a quiet well decorated office while the nannies tend to the children.  I know the truth lies some where in between.  That is precisely where I am.  Somewhere in between.  In between happy and crazy.  In between confident and desperate.  In between moods, in between dress sizes and in between my kids.

Hang in there...more to come.