Terrorist Twos

Terrible twos does not accurately describe what is going on in my house currently...Terrorist Twos is a more accurate description. Yes, he's had a lot of changes...a new baby brother, starting pre school a couple of days a week etc. I know it's hard on him, but for a moment (god forbid) let's just ignore WHY he is a beast and review just some of the ways this child pushes my buttons all damn day!

"Naps, what naps!? Mommy, WHY would I need to take a nap, I woke up at 430am this morning...plenty of sleep! Silly Mommy...no breaks for you! I'm in a fine mood mommy, don't tell me I am cranky...you want to see me really cranky? Suggest I use the potty instead of taking a man sized dump in my diaper and I will show you cranky! Or really, suggest anything at all...even something fun like play doh or bubbles and I will surely make you regret it...now put the TV back on because we both know it is the only thing keeping us both from calling child protective services."

"Mommy please stop telling me to be gentle or use gentle hands...clearly I have no intention of doing anything gently....now come over here and let me hit you with this stick a few more times."

"Mommy is crazy today...she is raving like a mad woman...I don't know why, she only asked me to stop 99 times...usually she asks at least 150 times before she starts yelling."

"Hey mom guess what, you know how I know we are related, my 'f@ck you' face looks just like yours...watch, ask me to stop spitting my food out again...SEE? Look at my facial expression...just like yours mommy."

"Mommy...um, you know those stickers you got me for when I do something good? Where are they? I want one now...no I don't want to do anything good to earn it...No, I just want it now...I neeeeeeed it now mommy. Mommy, if I climb up here will I find them? Stop yelling mommy, I just want a sticker for no reason...why all the drama mommy?"

"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy.Mommy."

Mother's Day identity Crisis

After a long year that included morning sickness, an 18 month old toddler who decided to stop sleeping for three months, a terrible trip to Mexico with said toddler WHILE pregnant followed by a sinus infection and a stomach virus, a very large baby in my belly who beat me up morning, noon and night from 22 weeks on, a challenging c section followed by a challenging recovery with a now 2 1/2 year old who is not sleeping AGAIN...oh and that new baby...I found myself laying on the spa table for my Mother's Day facial thinking "this barley skims the surface of what I would need to feel like myself again." As the 75 minutes ticked on and the woman pasted my face with various peels and masks made with fruit enzymes, (I suspect that they are simply puréed fruit and nothing else and that I am paying a premium for them because they put them in a cool jar designed to fool me into thinking it is some sort of youth serum.) I began to realize that "myself" is something new and it's time I stop chasing those glimpses of who I was before I had my children and start to re identify and embrace who I am now!

So often moms can be heard uttering the phrases "I used to..." or "Once upon a time I"...and it serves no purpose. It only serves to position who we are now as some sort of temporary thing and we all know that being a mommy is not temporary! Most of us didn't enter into motherhood thinking it was, so why do we keep talking about who we used to be instead of proudly declaring who we are now!? Sure we can still go out without our rugrats and pretend we don't have children every so often, but even then we are moms, it's all consuming and inescapable...want proof? Every mother who was at the spa to "get away" today was talking about their kids! So in the words of Sheryl Sandberg (taken completely out of context) let's "Lean In" to being a mom...especially us stay at home moms, because while we aren't the COO of Facebook or some large company, we are the COO's of our families and it's way more than a full time job.

I admit I've already relapsed while browsing DSW...I desperately wanted those stilettos I would have so proudly walked around in all day only a few short years ago...it's a challenge, one that not enough mommy's openly discuss or even admit but I suppose wearing 4 inch stilettos to the playground would also be a challenge...and dangerous...so I got the sensible shoes instead.

Happy Mother's Day ladies!

Dear Facebook,

I appreciate how important it is to you to track how often I do and don't visit my website's Facebook page, but clearly you somehow missed the recent news about my new baby. Facebook, I've received 3 emails this week from you gently reminding me how neglectful I have been of my online presence. I get it, I know, I am only as good as my last post and how can I build an audience if I don't post anything? But, Facebook please gimme a break. If you'd been paying attention even a little you'd know that I simply do not have the time! Facebook, today alone I spent the morning nursing a baby, doing 3 loads of laundry, showering (amazing right!?) rocking previously mentioned baby for HOURS, shoving a turkey sandwich down my throat and just barely making it to pre school pick up in time to get my toddler. I then spent my afternoon at Target with both children buying glamorous items such as
pull ups, diapers, soap and sponges - flying past the new "designer for target" clothing and housewares, which if you know ANYTHING about me at all is simply heart breaking. After Target I returned home to fight with my toddler about his non napping situation. Shortly after that tantrum occurred I began the endless cycle of finding something for my toddler to watch on TV while I sat, shackled by an 8 week old to a rocking chair to nurse, rock, put down, check on TV for toddler, shackled to rocking chair, nurse, rock...and so on...Following the afternoon is the pleasant experience of getting an overtired infant AND and an overtired toddler to bed at the same time. Facebook, have you ever put 2 children to bed simultaneously? Have you Facebook, have you!? It's crazy town Facebook, crazy.

So, I apologize that it's been a while since mommyoftheyear.net has had any activity Facebook, but please BACK THE F@CK OFF with the subtle guilt trip emails already! I'll get to it when I get to it!


Sent from my iPhone - that's right...from my iPhone!

Alternative Use

I don't actually have time to write this so if my grammar is worse than normal forgive me.

I've been busy gestating a child an unable to find time or energy to write for a while.  He arrived three weeks ago and now I have 2 children, just like that!  He's precious, though a bit needy on the nursing tip, but that will pass...

I could get into all the first few weeks of new baby crap and how my 2 year old is "adjusting" (which is the nice way to put it) but there are probably 72,000 blogs out there covering that, today I want to tell you about this photo:

What is that you ask?

That is a torn up maxi pad.  You see, I was on my way to the doctor's office this morning with both children to make sure that the cold and cough they are both sporting is not RSV. On my way I started to leak.  I didn't have my nursing pads in because I ran out the door in something resembling pajamas, un-showered, hair a muss and not a stitch of make up (think what most people look like AFTER their work out at the gym, that is pretty much it).  So, what does a mommy do when she finds herself leaking while in traffic trying to make a last minute doctor appointment for a 2 year old and a 3 week old?  She tears the maxi pad that is hiding in her diaper bag (as I am still post birth, rocking a pad) tears off 2 pieces and sticks them in her bra...all the while not noticing the giant water delivery truck next to her, just high enough for the passenger to wonder what that crazy lady is doing with her breasts...true story.

So, just a lil' tip for you ladies who are both breast feeding Always Infinicil is da'bomb...very absorbent.

Mono or Motherhood?

I was texting with my best-y while my son refused to nap today and instead just said "maaaaaaaamy" for an hour at his door and I thought I would share our text chat.  It cracked us up so maybe it will do the same for you...we might think we are funnier than we are but...("R" is my best-y and I am "J")

R: Mono or motherhood...should be a new game show

J: Hahaha...Does this woman have MONOOOO or is she a MOM!?
And they just roll us out in wheelchairs half asleep
I am crying laughing.

R: Lmao.... Me too
I need one of those stupid hats with straws
No time to drink water

J: Omg hysterical...
This woman hasn't worn make up in 3 days, showered in 2 and has gray roots...does she have MONOOOO or is she a MOM?!

R: Lol...This woman drools in her sleep, and often forgets what day it is...monoooo or mom?

J: This woman regularly answers the door in her pajamas...monoooo or mommy?!

R: Falls asleep on the toilet

J: I might have to copy this whole chat and post it to my blog

R: Ok, lol

Pretty Peas?

Last night we sat down as a family to eat dinner (something I try to do a couple of times a week) and we had some pasta with sausage and peas.  After JJ gobbled up all the sausage pieces and then worked his way through the pasta all that was left (of course) were the peas at the bottom of his bowl.  As he played with them and rolled them around in front of him I had the irresistible urge to dare my 2 year old to put a pea up his nose.  My husband, horrified at my immaturity, asked me if I happened to lose my mind, why on earth would I suggest such a thing!?  As I began to explain that JJ probably had no idea what I just suggested nor the dexterity to pull it off, we watched as he very quickly and deftly shoved a pea in his nostril.  Of course I am obviously infinitely mature so I was hysterically laughing.  My husband, not so much.  My laughter naturally got JJ's attention and another pea up the other nostril.  "Ok, that's enough J, no more!"  My husband squeezed his nose and out popped a couple of peas. 

This morning as I got JJ set with his morning cup of juice and snack cup of Cheerios he sneezed...and this flew into his hand..."Mommy...PEAS!"

Ummmm...is it bad that I sort of think that is super awesome?

Little Ears

I took JJ to ride the train at our local mall the other day. At one point he stood up and I told him to sit down...naturally he listened and did as I told him immediately...hahaha, sorry I was fantasizing for a moment. No, what actually happened was that he completely disregarded me and continued to stand at which point I said, "sit down or the train conductor will kick you off the train!"

A week later. We were getting ready for a birthday party that was happening at our local train museum park.  There are train rides there so I told JJ that we'd be going to ride the choo choo train and asked if he was excited...he responded "the conductor is going to kick me."  Oops. Little ears hear things differently, this is something I know but I forget sometimes.

My mom has told me a story my entire life that taught me this lesson.  In this case my mother totally earns the "mommy of the year" title.  My brother was around 2 years old, maybe a little younger, and she had him sitting on the counter while she was getting food prepared (the fact that he was on the counter automatically earns her M.O.T.Y. status but this was not the main offense) and he managed to pick up a knife and put it in his mouth...amazingly still not the main offense folks...she gently coaxed the knife from him and in her concerned rage (you know when you freak out but it's more out of concern than anger?) she said something to the effect of, "are you crazy? I could knock your head off!" My toddler brother proceeded to grab his head as though it was about to actually fall off his body...awe.

Little ears just hear differently.

Sent from my iPhone