Moms go out of their way to avoid many things. You have all seen a mom produce a treat or a toy, seemingly from thin air, to avoid the pending tantrum. Many of us know the mom (or are the mom) that resorts to a wipes bath to avoid bathing two tired kids at the end of a particularly long day. However, there is nothing a mom avoids more than taking two or more young children to the store…any store. As such, many of us have found ways to creatively circumvent a trip to the store with children in tow.
After extensive research*, I have curated a list of 5 my favorite methods.
1. The Drive Thru Milk Run: You know it happens all the time. You ran out of milk and that little pain in the…angel, that little angel is not going to sleep without his bottle of milk. Take two kids to the grocery store at 5pm for milk? Hell to the no! Drive that shit thru McDonalds. Yes, you MAY take my order, I need two chicken nugget Happy Meals (why not, I am already there and it’s dinner time) and two milks please………….and medium fries.
2. Diapers Here, Diapers There: You ran out of diapers? What a piece of shit mother you are…how do you run out of diapers? Didn’t you see they were getting low when you changed the 90th poop this week? Yes, yes we see it’s getting low and we meant to tell Daddy to stop on his way home to get a small pack of diapers. We meant to order them from Diapers.com too but we are only human and we sometimes forget that shit after our 4th glass of pinot. Do I drag the kids to store first thing in the morning? I would rather eat glass. Do I have any nighttime diapers? (You know those are just super awesome diapers right?) Out of those too. Wow Lady, pull your head out of your ass. Go into that beach bag from last weekend…Oh yea, swim diaper. That’ll do. That’ll do.
3. DIY Diva: It’s 4pm and you go to empty the dishwasher from the night before so you can reload the three meals worth of dishes that are sitting in your sink. You realize that it hasn’t been run. Ugh, mother fffffuuuuuu---dger. (Come on, there are children in my house, watch your fucking mouth.) You go under the sink to get one of those dishwasher pods. You know the ones that conveniently look like candy, so that children everywhere will want to put them in their mouths? WTF, BTW? Guess what? Empty, no dishwasher soap. Would have been nice if husband told you that’s why he didn’t run the dishwasher last night. So after you text him that very same sentence, you think “Take kids up to CVS to grab some dishwasher detergent?” How about, no. Not happening. Google that shit. You know some bat shit crazy hippy has a DIY all natural dishwasher detergent recipe. For the record, it only sort of works.
4. The Earth Shall Provide: Oh shit. You agreed to go to “So and So’s” house for a little party. You cannot show up empty handed but you drank all your wine and ate all of the baked goods. Hubby is going to meet you there and he is probably going to be late as it is…what to do? Take the kids to the wine store or the mall for a hostess gift? Sure, I’ll do that right after I blow my brains out. Got a garden? Flowers? Vegetable? Herbs? Get your harvest on, bitch. Put those beautiful garden grown tomatoes into a pretty gift box, or bag, or an old vase. Add some freshly cut and bundled herbs. Whatever you have, make it look pretty and you will be a hit. If Oprah can do it, so can I. (Please refer to Oprah’s Interview with Steven Colbert when she arrived with baskets of produce from her garden.)
5. The Single Friend: It’s Tuesday night and the kids are bathed and in their pajamas. They are quietly zoned out in front of the television, because you don’t give a shit what any study says about television before bedtime. If it is such a problem and if moms are so concerned, why does Nick Jr. schedule Bubble Guppies and Peppa Pig in multiple episodes from 6pm-7pm? Because the ratings suck at that time? I think not, but I’ve digressed. Kids are Zen and will be off to bed soon. Your husband is having a work dinner and you are looking forward to a glass or three of wine and some bad reality television. OH MY GOD, there is no wine. For this you might consider taking the kids to the store but you’re better than that and you already have a reputation. Ok, think….THINK! Who’s probably already in their car and has nothing planned for 7pm on a Tuesday night? Call your single friend. Invite that bitch over. Tell her to bring some wine and you’ll order the pizza. “Houswives” is better when you have someone to commentate with you anyway.
*I am a mother of two boys under four years old, and yes I have done all five of these myself.