Thursday, May 28, 2015

Sh!t Bags: Potty Training

“They are all shit bags that are lucky they are cute.”  That is a direct quote of a text I just sent to a friend in reference to children ages 2-4.  I have one on either end of that spectrum and I am therefor fully justified in making such a statement.

Forgive me; the highlight of my day was watching a tiny human drop a hot steaming load of crap into a waterless bucket fashioned to something resembling a toilet seat.  Then, adding insult to injury, I had the pleasure of dumping that load into an actual toilet and then cleaning the remnant shit out of that waterless bucket.  Yet somehow this is cause for a celebration.  It is the first of it’s kind for this tiny person and it means that I am one step closer to the dream of being a diaper free house.  The dream that includes spending 3-7 days under volunteer house arrest watching this tiny person pee and crap day in and day out…hopefully into the contraption but, more likely onto my floors and carpet.  And let’s not leave out that today The CEO informed me that he wipes his own ass at school but he “wants [me] to do it until he is five.”  Hmph.  Sounds awesome dude, where do I sign up?  Sure you don’t want to wait until you are six, I mean why quit while you are ahead?

Remember that show “Dirty Jobs” on Discovery?  Eight fucking seasons and was “Mom” ever one of the jobs?   Nope.  I think the ass wiping alone qualifies but I can throw in some pretty epic diarrhea in the tub stories to seal the deal.

Shit bags…every last one of them.

I call this one "Elmo's 3 Shits"
(Holding Elmo, while sitting on Elmo Potty, while watching "Elmo Goes Potty")

Friday, March 20, 2015

Picky Eater: 4 Year Old Reacts to Recipes for Picky Eaters - VIDEO

On March 15th a lovely article was published on BuzzFeed, 27 Easy Weeknight Dinners Your Kids Will Actually Like :“Picky” isn’t always synonymous with “difficult.”  It's not?  Are they sure?
"All the green stuff"
First of all I don't want to be a total hater, I'm sure that the author of this article meant well and I am sure that she might have even done some research on the matter and maybe, possibly found ONE "picky eater" that would be willing to eat one or more of these beautiful recipes.  I also want to make very clear that all of these recipes look delightful.  I haven't actually looked at the recipes themselves but the photos, friggin' YUM.  I would personally eat all 27 meals.  That said,
I am the personal chef to a legitimate picky eater.  I am the friend to several other mothers with legitimate picky eaters.  We have all dined together with our picky children and I assure you that no legitimate picky eater is going anywhere near any of these recipes.  There are 2 that a few picky eaters may be persuaded to eat but even they would require some real coaxing.

My picky eater was not always a picky eater.  For the first 2 years of his life he ate everything and anything I put in front of him.  Being a bit of a "foodie" (I hate that word but if the shoe fits...) this delighted me to no end.  I am also pretty good in the kitchen.  It is one of the few skills that I will openly admit to being good at, I am confident that I absolutely know my way around a kitchen.  I feel this is important information because I think that people assume (I was guilty of this myself!) picky eaters are a result of under-exposure or bad cooking.  This is absolutely not the case.
 Being the personal chef to a picky eater is pretty frustrating, so when I come across an article with ideas to get my picky eater to eat...well, I pay attention!  There are endless lists and articles and even cookbooks available with ideas but I have always found the offerings to be totally unrealistic in terms of prep/cook time and/or totally off the mark.  This latest article had me in hysterics.  I wish there was a nicer way to say, "I call MAJOR bull shit!"  I imagined cooking each and every one of these meals and serving them to my children and I imagined how at least one (if not both) would respond...and then I had an idea...I would show my 4 1/2 year old, real life, legitimate picky eater all 27 of these delectable meals in all their food styled glory and tell him the name of the dish...and film his real time reaction.

"Tomatoes and Weeds"

I have intentionally not edited this footage.  Trust me, I wanted to because I did not anticipate being on camera and I was NOT camera ready by any stretch.  In the interest in capturing and sharing the REAL reactions without any editing trickery, I present to you...

"Rotten Food"

Thursday, January 8, 2015

I Call BullSh#t

I am a fan of RedTricycle so I hate to do this, but I am calling bullshit on this one.

Red Tricycle National

The ENTIRE reason “witching hour” occurs is because that is when Mom has to actually accomplish something.  That is the time Mom starts to get dinner prepped, realizes the laundry is still sitting in the washing machine or that it’s almost 5pm and the health insurance company phone service is going to close and they still haven’t processed that mother fucking paper work!

The kids go berserk because their entertainment leader and/or referee is BUSY.

I like some the ideas on this RedTricycle post, (so please check it out) but unless your child is 10 (which means they’ve pretty much grown out of the “witching hour”) most of these require a mom’s full attention and help.  I don’t know about you but I am not attempting any of this crap with tired/post school whining little jerks at 4pm.  I have food to get on the table, 3 loads of laundry to do or everyone is going commando tomorrow and an unpleasant phone call to make!