Thursday, November 13, 2014

Fudge this Shoot!

Remember when you used to work and you'd find yourself sitting in a board room meeting with a bunch of morons bloviating without actually accomplishing anything?  Remember when you would sit, seething inside while some idiot carried on about how the group would have to go away and "wrap their heads around" whatever the crap project (that was likely never going to get completed) and "circle back" in a few days to "download" whatever stupid person that managed to fail upward to some sort of legitimate position on your "solutions"?  Remember the fantasy you had in which you stood up in the middle of his/her sentence and tossed the table like you were Teresa Giudice herself while simply shouting "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and then very calmly walking out of the room?

Please tell me I am not the only person that had this fantasy.

Well, as a stay at home mom, the fantasy continues.  It looks like this:

Crazy week leading up to CEO's birthday party (please refer to previous post).  Crazy party day followed by 2 days of post party clean up.  Add to that, CEO home from school an additional day this week which means I lose a whole day of getting anything accomplished.  Throw in rushed appointment (which required drop in day care) to the vet to bring sick elderly cat to get checked and leave without sick elderly cat.  Cry for the remaining afternoon and try to explain what happened to the cat to the CEO.    Clean entire house to take mind off of loss of kitty and also because kitty spent days shitting and tracking all over the house.  Drink too much wine, don't sleep.  Get up in the morning and walk into the Managing Partners room to find stench of vomit and vomit soaked crib.  Clean up.  Rush out of the house to make it to doctor appointment that I should have had 6 months ago but haven't had the time or desire to manage.  Rush around to accomplish as many errands as I could before I had to relieve the sitter.  Get home, relieve the sitter (realize I totally forgot to get cash out, and tell sitter I owe her money!) put the Managing Partner to nap.  Do 500 things while he naps, including hanging new black out blinds in the CEO's room since he tore the previous set, hanging a new curtain in the laundry room that I have been able to reclaim since the cat box no longer resides in there.  Clean the rest of the house I never got to last night.  Make phone calls, wake up sleeping toddler, pick up CEO from school, come home cook dinner, feed kids dinner...try not to kill children who are barely eating the delicious dinner I cooked from scratch.  WHY THE HELL DO I EVEN BOTHER!!!!???  Start cleaning half eaten dinners away, turn around to see the Managing Partner projectile vomiting across the one room in the entire house with carpeting and all over the expensive, recently replaced custom ottoman.  Throw toddler in the bath tub, return the scene to find dumbest dog on earth eating the vomit.  Tell CEO (praying I will appeal to his Super Hero sensibility) "It's an emergency, you have to go watch your brother and make sure he is ok, tell me if he vomits again, I will be right there...."  Go get something to scoop up vomit.  Scoop.  Run back to bath tub as toddler is climbing out.  Wrap him in a towel.  Place both children in front of TV as loud as it can go and start steam cleaning carpet and ottoman.  Listen to 4 year old CEO scream "shut that off" just to add to the noise and chaos.  Have fantasy in which I turn off the cleaner and throw whatever is closest to me, even it if is a child and yell, "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and calmly leave the house.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The CEO Turns the Big 0-4!

The CEO had his big 0-4 blow out this weekend.  True to form he had some very specific requests.  He wanted a Ninja party.  He wanted a real ninja at his party.  Being the endlessly loyal and diligent employee that I am I went to the ends of the earth to plan the party of his dreams.

As many a mommy knows, the planning and execution of a child's birthday party can at times rival that of wedding planning.  The details of the flow of the party can be complex.  When to schedule the party, what will the weather be like, do I accommodate the kids that nap still?  The food options.  Do I offer options?  What if someone is gluten sensitive?  What if they are lactose intolerant and can't eat ice cream cake?  The CEO wants ice cream cake!  What's more important for the parents?  Food or booze?  The time spent Pinteresting is absurd.  Does Pinterest have no conscience?  Do they know the level that their service has taken a children's party to?  I love you Pinterest but this love is killing me.

Then we have to deal with the invites.  Oooooh, the politics get intense.  Do you invite the WHOLE class?  Do you invite some of the class?  What if they talk?  Did you break the heart of a 4 year old who didn't get invited?  I always start with the whole class but then I do the math!  That shit adds up fast.  No, I did not invite the WHOLE class but I did invite all of the kids he goes full time and/or most days with and, I'd like to take this time to mention that we had as many bodies at his birthday party as we had at our wedding!  Just like our wedding the invites went out with ample time.  Just like our wedding there was an RSVP date.  Just like our wedding (and every party I have ever thrown ever) I was chasing RSVP's down to the day before the party.  I am both perplexed and amused by the fact that people find it such a challenge to RSVP but, I am also really uptight about that shit because I do ridiculous amounts of work around a party.  I'm not congratulating myself necessarily because I truly love to do it but, I am usually customizing a party favor or hand making something very specific so, the RSVP is not so much a formality as it is a necessity.  Additionally, we live in LaLa Land where people LOVE to flake out.  No seriously it is like a job for some people.  Just in case I was about to lose half my "yes" RSVPs to the "flake out" I sent an email reminder (much like you'd get from an evite).  Of course my dearest friend and comrade in over planning and organization (and official guest blogger) Tiny Dancer made my day when she sent this reply.  While hers is obviously in jest this is the shit that is ENTIRELY possible people...these kinds of responses actually happen:

"Oh wait, the party is THIS Saturday?! Omg I'm so sorry, I forgot to put it in my calendar! Clover's 5 cousins will be visiting from out of state - is it cool if I bring them too? Oh and also their parents? Also, can we swing by at 10:30 since we have another thing that we'll need to get to afterwards? And just so you know, our family does not condone any form of violence, including martial arts, so can you please make sure there is no "ninja" paraphernalia on display? Oh and please remember that Clover and her cousins are on gluten-free, nut-free, dye-free, and sugar-free diets. (Just FYI, raw spinach and turnips are their favorite snacks.) Thanks so much!!! Can't wait to see you on Sunday, even though your party is on Saturday.

*"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
Silver Lake mom :)"

In the end the party was a great success.  

All I am saying is, if I don't get employee of the month this month I might seriously quit.

Here are some photos...because, yea it was pretty cool.

Grandma made the costume, I cannot take credit.

Ninja from Action Events/

Ninja cake topper made from a sugar sheet (ice cream cake store bought!)
Suck it Pinterest!

Personalized Ninja headbands made from linen ribbon.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Hypothetical Parenting

I have stumbled upon a new way of parenting.  I'm calling it Hypothetical Parenting.  Basically, I just ask a series of questions that I already know the answer to and that get no actual response. Here are ten from this morning:

1.  Boys, can we please stop being so wild?
This wild child belongs to me.

2. Oh, are we finished eating?  (Said after watching The Managing Partner throw his entire plate of food on the floor.)

3. Are you trying to hurt your brother?

Courtesy Aislinn Ritchie, Flickr

4. Can mommy please have 5 minutes to get dressed?

5. Can we please keep our hands to ourselves?

6. What's going OOOOOOoooooon? (Yelling from the other side of the house after screeching and crying begins in stereo).

7. What are you doing!!!? (Any number of things that only small children can muster the creativity to conjure up.)

Courtesy Nicholas Carey/Flickr

8. REALLY guys?  Really?  (Yes, really.)

9. Do you have a poop in there?

10. Can you please just do what I ask you to do, just this once?  Please?