Saturday, October 25, 2014

Hypothetical Parenting

I have stumbled upon a new way of parenting.  I'm calling it Hypothetical Parenting.  Basically, I just ask a series of questions that I already know the answer to and that get no actual response. Here are ten from this morning:

1.  Boys, can we please stop being so wild?
This wild child belongs to me.

2. Oh, are we finished eating?  (Said after watching The Managing Partner throw his entire plate of food on the floor.)

3. Are you trying to hurt your brother?

Courtesy Aislinn Ritchie, Flickr

4. Can mommy please have 5 minutes to get dressed?

5. Can we please keep our hands to ourselves?

6. What's going OOOOOOoooooon? (Yelling from the other side of the house after screeching and crying begins in stereo).

7. What are you doing!!!? (Any number of things that only small children can muster the creativity to conjure up.)

Courtesy Nicholas Carey/Flickr

8. REALLY guys?  Really?  (Yes, really.)



9. Do you have a poop in there?

10. Can you please just do what I ask you to do, just this once?  Please?


Thursday, October 9, 2014

5 Ways to Avoid Taking Your Kids to the Store

Moms go out of their way to avoid many things.  You have all seen a mom produce a treat or a toy, seemingly from thin air, to avoid the pending tantrum.  Many of us know the mom (or are the mom) that resorts to a wipes bath to avoid bathing two tired kids at the end of a particularly long day.  However, there is nothing a mom avoids more than taking two or more young children to the store…any store.  As such, many of us have found ways to creatively circumvent a trip to the store with children in tow. 


After extensive research*, I have curated a list of 5 my favorite methods.


1. The Drive Thru Milk Run:  You know it happens all the time.  You ran out of milk and that little pain in the…angel, that little angel is not going to sleep without his bottle of milk.  Take two kids to the grocery store at 5pm for milk?  Hell to the no!  Drive that shit thru McDonalds.  Yes, you MAY take my order, I need two chicken nugget Happy Meals (why not, I am already there and it’s dinner time) and two milks please………….and medium fries.

2. Diapers Here, Diapers There:  You ran out of diapers?  What a piece of shit mother you are…how do you run out of diapers?  Didn’t you see they were getting low when you changed the 90th poop this week?  Yes, yes we see it’s getting low and we meant to tell Daddy to stop on his way home to get a small pack of diapers.  We meant to order them from Diapers.com too but we are only human and we sometimes forget that shit after our 4th glass of pinot.  Do I drag the kids to store first thing in the morning?  I would rather eat glass.  Do I have any nighttime diapers? (You know those are just super awesome diapers right?)  Out of those too. Wow Lady, pull your head out of your ass. Go into that beach bag from last weekend…Oh yea, swim diaper.  That’ll do.  That’ll do.

3. DIY Diva:  It’s 4pm and you go to empty the dishwasher from the night before so you can reload the three meals worth of dishes that are sitting in your sink.  You realize that it hasn’t been run.  Ugh, mother fffffuuuuuu---dger. (Come on, there are children in my house, watch your fucking mouth.)  You go under the sink to get one of those dishwasher pods.  You know the ones that conveniently look like candy, so that children everywhere will want to put them in their mouths?  WTF, BTW?  Guess what?  Empty, no dishwasher soap.  Would have been nice if husband told you that’s why he didn’t run the dishwasher last night.  So after you text him that very same sentence, you think “Take kids up to CVS to grab some dishwasher detergent?”  How about, no.  Not happening.  Google that shit.  You know some bat shit crazy hippy has a DIY all natural dishwasher detergent recipe.  For the record, it only sort of works. 


4. The Earth Shall Provide:  Oh shit.  You agreed to go to “So and So’s” house for a little party.    You cannot show up empty handed but you drank all your wine and ate all of the baked goods.  Hubby is going to meet you there and he is probably going to be late as it is…what to do?    Take the kids to the wine store or the mall for a hostess gift?  Sure, I’ll do that right after I blow my brains out.  Got a garden?  Flowers?  Vegetable?  Herbs?  Get your harvest on, bitch.  Put those beautiful garden grown tomatoes into a pretty gift box, or bag, or an old vase.  Add some freshly cut and bundled herbs.  Whatever you have, make it look pretty and you will be a hit.  If Oprah can do it, so can I.  (Please refer to Oprah’s Interview with Steven Colbert when she arrived with baskets of produce from her garden.)


5. The Single Friend: It’s Tuesday night and the kids are bathed and in their pajamas.  They are quietly zoned out in front of the television, because you don’t give a shit what any study says about television before bedtime.  If it is such a problem and if moms are so concerned, why does Nick Jr. schedule Bubble Guppies and Peppa Pig in multiple episodes from 6pm-7pm?  Because the ratings suck at that time?  I think not, but I’ve digressed.  Kids are Zen and will be off to bed soon.  Your husband is having a work dinner and you are looking forward to a glass or three of wine and some bad reality television.  OH MY GOD, there is no wine.  For this you might consider taking the kids to the store but you’re better than that and you already have a reputation.  Ok, think….THINK!  Who’s probably already in their car and has nothing planned for 7pm on a Tuesday night?  Call your single friend.  Invite that bitch over.  Tell her to bring some wine and you’ll order the pizza.  “Houswives” is better when you have someone to commentate with you anyway.


*I am a mother of two boys under four years old, and yes I have done all five of these myself.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Throwback Thursday: Halloween Fail

It's October folks...and that means Halloween!  We are working on the costumes for this year and I thought I might throw back to last year's costume tragedy.  Enjoy!


I'm just going to say this outright.  In case you don't have one yet, you should know, toddlers are "f-ing a-holes".  By "f-ing a-holes" what I really mean is...fucking assholes.  Go ahead, bring on the "be nice" patrol.  Let me have it:  "That is your child you are talking about!"  Yes, he is MY child and he can, at times (a lot of them) be a ROYAL...well you know!  Just be thankful I am outing MY child and not your asshole kid.  If your kid isn't an asshole toddler, congrats to you and enjoy your asshole teenager in 10 years...my point being that I am pretty sure every parent gets it at some point.  It might be a different child that lets you have it but it's bound to happen and it is currently happening to me (and my husband).
Asshole toddler behavior includes, but is not limited to, refusing all foods (other than junk food), pissing and shitting in one's pants post potty training, general "not nice" behavior such as hitting, pushing, screaming etc. about every little thing, refusing to do ANYTHING he/she is asked (unless of course you sweeten the pot with some sort of junk food), refusal to nap or go to bed at  night, waking up at the ass crack of dawn and working toward waking up the entire neighborhood if possible, asking "WHY" a zillion times a day which is only outdone by how many times he/she says "Mommy",  insisting he/she wants to do something and then the refusal to do said thing after parental effort is made to make asshole toddler happy.  This last one is what broke me this morning...The refusal to wear the Halloween costume that I spent weeks piecing together...or for that matter any of the costumes he was offered (as I had back up costumes, because asshole toddlers are a fickle bunch). 
You see, my son has had an ongoing obsession with Michael Jackson.  A little out of the norm for a child his age, yes, but he saw the Beat It video and for months has watched it over and over and over to the point of ruining it for his father and I.  In September I asked what he would like to be for Halloween - "Michael Jackson Beat It".  I love a ridiculous costume so I was on board but JUST IN CASE he changed his mind or didn't get what I was asking him I checked back a few weeks later.  Still, "Beat It Michael Jackson and Jack (the baby) can be Smooth Criminal Michael Jackson."  Um, ok.  Still not ENTIRELY convinced to go shopping just yet, I asked one more time, a few weeks ago.  "Michael Jackson Beat It".  Occasionally, he would say Batman if someone else asked him what he was going to be for Halloween, so I had a Batman back up ready to go.  Jacket gets ordered, pants hemmed, belt made and sewn onto pants (so that asshole toddler can't lose it at school), old Van's turned into black "penny loafers", sparkle socks made, graphic t-shirt purchased...Let's do this!  He loved the jacket when he saw it, wore it around the house.  We watched "Beat It", we talked about his school parade...this was going to be good.
9:00am Halloween morning - costume refusal...tantrum...suddenly "the video is scary shut it off"..."put the jacket in the box!"...Now, I'm not saying that I lost it or anything but...I might have cried at one point...maybe.  Because, it's super disappointing to want your kid to join in the fun.  To work to give them what they want, or what they thought they wanted, or what you thought they thought they wanted and then to have it all be tossed aside.  And they really are total assholes about it!  Toddlers can't give a real apology for making you work hard.  They don't come to you later and say "I've thought about it, you are right, it will be more fun to wear the costume."  They aren't able to even tell you why they changed their minds.  It sucks sometimes. 
He was dropped off at school by my husband who reported that when all the kids (in their costumes) ran to him (not in his costume) to greet him for the day he proudly told them all "My Mommy is going to be a witch!"  So, with 15 minutes to get out the door in time, I pieced a witch outfit together and showed up to watch him sing songs and walk in his parade.  Me in my witch outfit, him in his failed Halloween get-up.
He'll want to wear the Michael Jackson costume someday...I can promise that...and we will fight about why he can't wear it to school next week or to his Super Hero themed birthday party...because toddlers are also incredibly predictable little assholes.
Happy Halloween.